Reasons Why I Should be President: Universal Mommy Health Care Plan

So today was an impromptu test in my medical education. I was unexpectedly forced to fill the role of both patient and healthcare provider this morning after being inflicted with a very serious stubbed toe.

Stop laughing. I am totally not kidding. Stubbed toes are not to be underestimated. I am very seriously disabled as a result.

I managed to hack off a good chunk of my pinky toe on the frame of my bed. And this is where the Grey's worthy drama began. My toe was gushing for a solid 20 minutes straight, with no end in sight.

Now I haven't finished my Anatomy and Physiology class yet, but one of the major themes I've managed to glean so far is that blood is important to staying alive. And its most effective when its inside your body.

I'm usually not a very dramatic person (aah hum), but I started to evaluate my situation. I'm home alone and I am unable to stop the bleeding from my toe. Naturally I began to wonder how long I had until I would pass out. (which is the natural result of bleeding from the pinky toe...) I was betting that in the case that the bleeding should continue I would pass out before 5pm, which was the earliest I could possibly hope to be found by my roommate. It was clear I was going to have to take action.

So like all well educated and well trained aspiring health care professionals, I called my mother. Who, in her infinite wisdom, told me that, no I did not need stitches. (apparently pinky toes could under no circumstance warrant stitches.) All I had to do was put pressure on my pinky toe.

Now- I'd argue that I had been doing that for the 20 previous minutes of blood gushing. But since my mother told me to do it, putting pressure on my toe finally took affect. Within a few minutes, gushing had subsided (as foreseen by my infinitely wise mother).

Now, this got me thinking about being 3 years old. When you got a boo boo at age 3, you ran to Mom and Mom kissed the boo boo and magically the boo boo was all better, pending an appropriately placed Barbie/Ninja Turtle/Care Bear band-aid.

It was the best health coverage I ever had. And clearly the Mom health-care plan is life long, as it still works on my 22 year old self. And it has extended coverage since I was treated in Chapel Hill, NC while my mother was in Wilmington, NC.

So folks, here it is, the fool proof health-care solution we've all been waiting for. Mommy Health Care. And its super affordable, assuming you can throw down some bones for a decent cell phone plan. Because there is one catch to the Mommy health care plan. It doesn't kick in until you can inform your Mom of your claim. (just having a Mom is not enough to get Mommy health care coverage, you have to actually complain to your Mom for it to work, crying generally results in priority treatment...)

So Obama, you're welcome. Glad I can help yall out up there in DC. Seems like you've got your hands full keeping your culturally appropriate greetings straight anyway... so focus on that, I've got this under control.